Wrong Spotting

The #1 reason feedback is dismissed

In the development of people, the only thing I’ve found that is harder than giving good feedback, is receiving feedback well.  For thirty years I’ve worked in Leader Development at all levels of a global Christian organization and I’ve found the longer someone fails to receive constructive criticism, the more difficult for them to receive it well when it does come. It’s one of the skills that takes intentional work and time, because it’s all about one’s sense of identity.

My phone rang and I was surprised to hear the voice of one of our staff who was living and ministering in another part of the world. Normally we would communicate by email so this call was unusual. “Is everything okay (I’ll call him Steve).” “Oh, yeah,” Steve said, “Everything is okay, but I want to give you a heads up. My supervisor just did a position focus review with me and my wife. I don’t think it’s good, so I want you to be aware.” Steve then described a confrontation and a number of poor interactions. He was convinced they would write negative things in the review. Their comments from his perspective stemmed more because of their poor relationship, and not their actual ministry work. So, he wanted me to be aware and not judge them.

Over the years, conversations like Steve’s have become commonplace. We constantly train our supervisors to give constructive feedback and that is important, but I would often notice it didn’t matter how the feedback was given, good or bad, our staff members struggled to receive it, especially if the staff member was older and in a higher level of the organization. The younger staff seemed more eager to hear and apply, but it was less common as leaders climbed the organizational ladder to receive feedback well.

Several years ago, I heard Sheila Heen (Harvard Negotiation Project from Harvard School of Law), do a TED Talk on “Wrong Spotting,” and the nickel dropped for me. * She put words to what I had witnessed for years. She pointed to studies done for the past twenty years showing it’s not how to give feedback where the most training is needed, but just the opposite, how to receive feedback.

At the heart of NOT receiving feedback is the practice of “WRONG SPOTTING.” If I can find something wrong with the person who is suggesting some type of change, then I feel the freedom to dismiss the feedback. However, the faulty flaw in that thinking is that I’m not hearing and assessing the feedback, but rather, I’m judging the conveyor of the feedback. Therefore, I entirely miss the golden nugget (even if it’s just 5% true). I feel justified in my dismissal, but I walk away just as ignorant.

There’s a common saying, “You’ll learn more from your enemies than you ever will from your friends.” It’s not that we are looking for enemies, but the point is that those who are not seeking to be our long-term friends usually feel more the freedom to share what they observe and tend not to sugarcoat their thoughts. Our good friends often minimize their critique for the sake of the relationship.

Yes, I know that people’s perceptions and critiques can be skewed and that not all criticism is justified. However, my experience is that we (myself included) can quickly dismiss feedback before it’s accurately evaluated and assessed. There is usually a kernel of truth in all feedback. Heen says we usually dismiss feedback when we are triggered in three ways (Truth, Relationship or Identity).**

Truth, Relationship and Identity triggers

Truth triggers are when we hear something that we immediately believe is inaccurate. It is not how we see ourselves. Maybe they say “you don’t listen well.” But I know I have received numerous compliments from people as to how well I listen. So, the moment I hear it, I dismiss it. However, if I don’t say, “tell me more,” I may not find out that what they really mean. It may not be that “I don’t listen.” But rather, it may mean that when I have a determined plan I’m committed to, I don’t slow down or make changes. If I don’t ask that second question, “tell me more,” I would have missed a valuable truth.

Relationship triggers are when we dismiss feedback because of “who” gives it. Maybe it’s my spouse and I chalk it up to them being picky or never happy with me. Or, it might be like Steve in my opening example. Interestingly, everything the supervisor wrote in the position review for the couple was accurate. Therefore, you may not find it surprising that the couple left our organization two years later. Not because they were not developed, but because they were unwilling to hear truth and be developed.

Identity triggers are usually the culprit when we are unwilling to receive feedback. This is especially true for seasoned ministry leaders who have had a degree of success. Whether that feedback comes way of a survey from a team, or larger group of workers, or via individual conversations. It’s a red flag when a ministry leader does not ask, “Tell me more.” Instead, they will tell you why this group of people said what they said, or why that other person said what they said. They always have an “out-clause” and an explanation that excuses them from the critique.

Identity issues are extremely hard because they speak to the core of who we are and how we see ourselves. For some, if they admit they need to improve or get better, it feels like they are admitting they are a failure or have not led well. To acknowledge, “your right, that wasn’t a good decision,” feels like they are weak, and they fear people will not trust them. But what they fail to see is that everyone around them can see their weaknesses and poor decisions. To not take ownership is what destroys trust. Trust will be built when we accept criticism, ask for forgiveness if needed, and make changes. Those are the actions of a good, self-aware leader that engenders trust.

Solomon in the book of Proverbs writes:

Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. (19:20)

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. (12:1)

The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence. The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor. (15:31-33)

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. (12:15)

Receiving feedback is hard because it sits in the crossroads of two paths. One path is where we want to learn and grow as a leader and person. The other path is a deep-seated desire to be accepted and respected as we currently are (without making changes). The only way we can make receiving feedback easier is to intentionally set out to embrace who we are in the Lord (strengths and weaknesses). To acknowledge I’m not a finished product and I’m still under construction. My identity is who I am in Christ, not what are my ministry results or what is my ministry reputation.

Reputation is who people think we are, character is who God knows you are. We need to spend the bulk of our time developing our character, and our reputation will take care of itself. Jesus had little interest in what his reputation was. Jesus said, “I have come down from heaven, not to do my will, but the will of the Father.” (John 6:38).

ACTION STEP: Ask someone, what is one thing I could change in our relationship? In this role? In this task? In how I engage with this team? Be specific when you ask, and be ready to hear more than one thing. And be ready to use that magical three-word response: “tell me more.” After you have written down what they said, say THANK YOU! And then go to your prayer closet and ask the Lord, what do I need to see, understand and apply? If you’re honest, He will show you!

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* Sheila Heen, How to Use Others’ Feedback to Grow and Learn, TEDx Talks, June 22, 2015

** Sheila Heen & Douglas Stone, Thanks for the Feedback,  Penguin Books (2015).

posted July 15, 2024 by Dirke Johnson

Dirke Johnson has a doctorate in Church Leadership and is a professor for the Ministry Degree program at Palm Beach Atlantic University. He works with Cru’s Global Theological Development as part of the Int’l Leadership Consortium. He specializes in Leader Development, creating high performing teams. He has years of experience at ministering in urban cross-cultural and international contexts.